We are not the enemy. Do not treat us as such. We (the collection from the first union) producing three humans-two humans created-while loving each other. You address the mass, instead of the person. I will address you. Address your anger Bob. If you didn't come up the way you did - you wouldn't be who you are today. Let me explain that, or you'll take it the wrong way. You are the purest of heart. You have always seen beyond the obvious - but your anger is seething and killing you. Anger is a bitch. But it can also be your closest friend. It can keep a person going and growing. Stop and listen to your anger. It is a trickster if one let's it, it can devour the child within we all possess - and kill your spirit. All of our children collectively from all the unions - all grown up now. They are us - and they are themselves. From what I can see - they are all very much individuals. One can ask for nothing more. Do not call any of the children I raised whiners. Fuck you for that. You could never reach out to me either. Fuck you for that,also. I recall very distinctly how you treated me with indifference. Know what though - I forgive all that - do you know why Bob? Because I have always loved you - long ago I felt all of your rage, horrors, anger and hate. Even as a young woman - naive and fairly innocent - I also saw the soul of you. I still see and feel that part. Let me share the core of me - with you. From the day you left me some 20 years ago - there has,nt been a day that has,nt held a thought or a feeling for you. That is called grieving for a loss. I lost the man that I loved. To me you had every quality in a man I wanted and needed. Grant you I've gone through men. I always run when its too close. I always run when I feel if there was even the remote chance of you and I finding one another again. I've got a mixed bag of not wanting to hurt someone and betraying myself when I know a part of my soul is covered by what I feel for you. Whatever a husband and wife are surppose to be I always have considered you - as the only husband I've had. Whatever a father is surppose to be - I've always considered my second husband to be - that to the children I birthed. He wanted a family and to be a father. He did the best he could. He and I as a man and a woman - didn't make it. I surppose I will always long for you. I've accepted that. I surppose I will always protect myself from the devastation of losing you as my partner. I have always wanted a partner in life. I have always wanted you. No one has ever meant up to whatever it was I had with you. It was a natural blend. Even today - the man I'm with - I do love. But I do know he will die of his leukemia at some point. It was worth the love - because I know he loves me. As we grow older - the process of looking at ourselves - reveals (us) everyday. Some days I hate people - because of what they do to other people. All that I taught the children (mine and others) - goes full circle and destroys the purist of hearts. It has happened to you - to me - to our children. You get back up - and stand even stronger and harder than before. I have no use for people who have no regards for other people's feelings. Feelings of any kind are valid. I tried to call you - but there was no answer - or I could be perfectly still - and it would still feel the same way to me. All I know - is no matter who you or I become close to - there's something lacking that only you and I can mend, heal and accept without question. Because it is just there. I have kept the issue of you and me deep within me for far too long. I surppose in some strange way it is my secret, my mystery - but it is also mine. I own the feeling and I let no one take it from me. Is that possession, insanity, or not reality? Who the fuck knows. I'm not much on labels. I was a comforting force. That is how I give. Is that the mother in me, the woman, the child? Who knows. If you care to write me - do so. Do not let your hurts - drive you crazy. Just move on, and accept life on life's terms. We get, what we get. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------- Received your letter. My first reaction on reading it was obviously, I thought I had written a letter to my daughter Heather (my daughter) expecting an answer from her. Instead I receive a letter from you in answer to my letter to Heather? I do not think that you can put yourself in my shoes! It is not Mimi M.(Heather,s mother) trying to find a way to communicate with her daughter who hasn't seen each other in this life because of some extraordinary circumstances. It is me... I can only try an communicate with her from my own life experience and what I at present believe to be reality and truth. On a second reading of the letter in relation to the above question. What is it Mimi you are trying to do? I have not made Heather the "enemy". Nor have I accused Heather of being a "whiner". Either you have completely flipped out or you do not understand what I am trying to communicate to Heather. Certainly I am having a difficult time as it is trying to let Heather know who and what her dad is and was...But your interpretation of what I am trying to tell her certainly does not help matters. As you say in your letter; Heather is an adult woman, so I guess if Heather and I are going to communicate with one another we will have to do that ourselves. Thirdly I have to ask you a direct question. Does it bother you that Heather and I are trying to find away to communicate with one another? Or is it just a tendency to try and protect your children from being hurt? My guess is that it is the latter... Irregardless, the Heather, Bob relationship must be sorted out between us. If you put yourself in between like a mother hen, you can complicate matters or even destroy the possibility of Heather and I working this out. It might not even work then, but if you get involved in this, it will be even more difficult. Now to all the other stuff in your letter. "Address your anger Bob". Yes, I do address my anger. Read my book! I think that I have addressed my anger. Not only that, I was trying to change the situation and circumstances that puts kids like myself into that situation. People like myself have been getting killed for ages because of our "anger". The problem is usually our anger is directed in the wrong direction or people like myself have not been angry enough! Anger and hate have been used by the rich and powerful for ages to trick kids like myself to fight for all the wrong causes. So you can not tell me that anger will devour me and kill the sprit. It is a definite class of people and reality who are trying to kill me and my spirit. Anger is not a "bitch", it is a noble feeling and if controlled can certainly be helpful in moving individuals and the "mass" forward. Just as love is a noble feeling. I get the feeling that you want me to just drop it, let it go. That I will never do. I will not forget nor forgive what the rich and powerful have done to the mass, nor my family or me personally. Forget it. Because if I did I would be betraying those very same people who are dear to me, including myself... Indifference...Yes one could certainly say that I have been indifferent both to you and many other people. I have never had the ability to love -What is love- on terms of commitment. My greatest love has been for the people who get the shitty end of the stick. On a one to one relationship I find it very, very difficult. Perhaps it is because of the circumstances surrounding my growing up. However under the circumstances I did the best I could. Others who have met me along the way perhaps have a different conclusion. But that is based on their interpretation of life! But what else can I honestly say. When I make the statement I loved that little girl on the highway in Vietnam just as much as my daughters is true. She was part of me just as my daughters are. Do you understand what I am trying to say? I loved you when we were together. I loved all of my girlfriends and wives when we were together. However that love is a compromise. And when dealing with and adult partner I have found it impossible to live with more then one at a time. However there are not any lifetime garantees on love. The man you are with now "you love" because you know that "he loves" you. What is that suppose to mean? I certainly have no idea what you are talking about. Love for me are,is a number of things. It is your life with other people, persons. It is what one tries to do with his, her life. It is a feeling on many levels and many things. Just now you feel that this is the solution to your love problem. In the future perhaps you will think otherwise. Good luck, I hope it works out for you. I personally do not know what the future will bring. Just now on the personal level I have not met anyone whom I feel I can attempt to share this love feeling. Perhaps never again, I do not know. However I have not closed the door. Love, just as anger and hate are a big part of me just as many other noble feelings are. Obviously I also have had people closer to me then others. They also have a special place. I will not forget them. This includes you and a few others. However I get the feeling that you think that my letter to Heather was hard and cruel. This is not the case! It is a truthful and loving letter in a hard and cruel reality! It would have been a crime on my part to write coochy- coochy, everything is just going to be fine letter, because things are not fine. They are pretty horrible. Just take a look at the legislation passed in the senate on "welfare". By painting a cozy picture for my kids of life would be irresponsible and stupid. So the fuck you Bob's in your letter I take with a nip of salt. Finally, you say "just move on and accept life on life's terms". Yeah, that is exactly what I am trying to do! My book is another step on the way. However it was very painful. However a very noble and principled pain! Yes, I will try and not go crazy. However one must really take each day that comes, and try and do your best. But that does not mean that I can change the past or perhaps even the future.